44 things for my 44th birthday 🪴
44 things for my 44th birthday 🪴
I wrote you a list.
It’s not really advice. Or maybe some of it is? I have things to say. Here are 44 things that you may find interesting or useful. 😊
1. Every day, if you can, go for a walk. My French friend Polo once told me, “Walk for at least 20 minutes.” I agree. Spend as much time outside as you can manage. Get used to bugs.
2. Speaking of my French friend—make friends with people from other cultures because your life will be richer and more abundant, you will add nuance to your emotions, and you will learn new skills. For example:
3. Coffee and a little treat on the porch in the afternoon never goes wrong. Shoot the breeze with someone, look at the neighborhood or the birds. (I learned this with Miriam (Germany) and Johanna (Switzerland) at a time in my life when I was swamped with small, adorable children, and it was like a revelation.)
4. Hospitality can be messy, can be half done when people arrive, and can involve children running in and out yelling. Cook together, make sure everyone has enough to eat, and shame people into eating more. (I learned this from Shabbat dinners with Israeli friends here in Pai, in the mountains in India, and in Goa.)
5. An outfit is always more glamorous if you add red lipstick. This is one I still haven’t had the guts to try, but it comes from my French friends.
6. Sit together and eat small peelable fruit. Peeling fruit keeps your hands busy, and you can joke around and slowly eat things that barely fill your stomach for hours. Also, play all the time, play when you work, when you are doing errands, and when you are talking about what you need to accomplish. (Thai and Karen friends.)
7. Rice is good at any time of day, ever. (Thai friends.) Go to the market and find what looks good, then cook it for dinner. (Indian friends.)
8. Work hard together to accomplish big or creative things, and congratulate yourselves afterward. (Japanese friends.)
9. Nickname everything and everyone. If a person is a problem but you want to think well of them, give ‘em a little nickname. If a person is a glory and a joy in your life, give them a nickname. Points for animals with eleven different nicknames. (Can you already guess where this comes from? Australian friends.)
10. When you tell stories, exaggerate. Make it a really good story. Build it up from the bottom. Keep everyone guessing, then surprise them with even more. Jump up to laugh. Run out the door and all the way down the block to properly laugh. Tell all your old stories. Tell them often. Tell them again, even if everyone has heard them. Stories are like glue in families and relationships. (Black American friends.)
In other words, I have been rich with friends, and I am thankful for the people in my life.
12. Get a hammock. I know many people who have no trees and still have hammocks. They travel with them and find trees. If you have a hammock, schedule hammock time with a book. Sometimes it turns into a nice nap.
13. Take naps. I have a very weird system. I read until my eyes are drifting, then set a timer for 10 minutes. After ten minutes, I set it for another 5 minutes. Then I get up. I nap pretty deeply and these timers keep me from going into the bad sleep zone.
14. If you see a sign for a trail, a viewpoint, a hot spring, or a strange flea market/ wood carving shop, curiosity, go!
15. Don’t wait for anyone to give you permission to do anything—to wear, write, or sing anything. When you find yourself hesitating, ask yourself if you are waiting for permission. Then give it to yourself. Say, I am allowed.
16. This truly is it. Today. What do you notice about today? Is there something beautiful? Something funny or kind? Something you are thankful for? Live there.
17. Don’t apologize so much. Don’t apologize for your looks, for what you are about to say, for your weight, or for your ideas.
18. The only exception is apologizing well if you have done something wrong. Make sure your apology doesn’t make the other person feel like they need to make you feel better. Own what you did. Then let it go.
19. Other people’s reactions to you are none of your business.
20. If you have to do a little extra for peace, it’s worth it. However, only you can decide what is worth it. But your spouse’s bad habits might just be what is (not something to be fixed) and if letting them go brings peace, you are winning. (The same goes for your own bad habits. There is only so much self-remaking that one can do. Peace is better.)
21. Start the day by remembering who you are. For those of us who forget daily, this might take intentional thought every single day. I sometimes have to tell myself my name, my responsibilities (and my not-responsibilities), and why I’m here.
22. Every day, think of something nice for you. Today I bought myself four new pens. It gave me a little heart-skip of excitement.
23. I love this picture Ro took of me admiring my jackfruit tree after I had an icebath. More of this. Less doom-scrolling.
24. I don’t own any piece of land anywhere, but I own the world. You too. You can love anything your eyes rest on. You are allowed.
25. It’s okay if you had big plans that you didn’t manage to accomplish. You are the big plan. You are here, moving and making noise. You are the music and the poem.
26. Untether yourself from everyone except God. Everyone is with you in this game, but you are not tethered to their definitions of you. You are free.
27. When you tell God things like things you felt badly about or things you wish were different about you, they are held very tenderly. The only thing waiting on the other side of confession, of admitting you were wrong, is love.
28. An obsessive mind seems to be part and parcel with many inner gifts. This is what my husband means when he says, “You don’t get to be a genius for free.” I heard him say this to our daughter the other day. (And I agree that she is a genius.) I wish I could protect my kids from the wild mind. All of us can do things to help it, to quiet it, to accept ourselves. But this leads me to:
29. I may be in this invisible battle for a long time. Maybe forever. There will be clear spaces, sometimes. And other times, the thoughts will come and come and come. And this is a brave and worthy battle and I will not give it up.
30. Music is a clear space. Dancing is a clear space. Meditation and prayer are clear spaces. Drumming and singing are clear spaces. Sometimes, it all seems so beautiful that you could just lift off!
31. Everything worth doing can be done imperfectly and in small bits. Take one tiny step. It means nothing if you leave things unfinished and come back to them. Also, there is a difference between starting energy and finishing energy. Every day, I ask myself where I can apply starting energy and where I need to apply finishing energy.
32. Take a moment every night to look over your day and see the glimmers. Notice the surprises, the moments of knowing that you are loved, the veil flapping open so you can see the beauty of God. Give yourself gold stars for the things you accomplished.
33. Give yourself gold stars as often as you need to. Most of the time, you are the only one who will do it.
34. If you are very blessed, you will experience a lot of pain because having a lot of love in this life brings the pain of parting and missing people, places, and puppies. Pain is not something to be avoided. (The most unintuitive of all realities.)
35. Use the things you love: Fragrances, incense, lotion. Eat the chocolate. Read the books. Sit in the hammock. Stop waiting.
36. Talk to yourself as much as you want to. Sing to yourself and sing to others.
37. Give things away for free. There are many ways to be generous. Tell people to keep the change. Offer your old things to people instead of selling them. Let people help you. (Surprisingly, this is an act of generosity.) Pay the bill, even if it is only a small one. Make extra food.
38. Hug your friends and tell them you love them. Tell them they make the world better.
39. Lie on the ground. Lie on the tiles or the carpet or the wood floor. Lie on the grass. Lie on the concrete.
40. Celestial events are good events. Watch the meteor shower, the eclipse, the full moon. The Northern Lights, if you are lucky enough to be in the north!
41. Exclaim over things that are simple and common, again and again. (Like the moon or the common birds.) This is how you train yourself to love the world.
42. Let yourself have a hard time. Let yourself be low in energy. It will probably come back. You can treat yourself well when you are having a hard time, like a little baby or a toddler who needs a hug.
43. Lots of people are probably pretending. If you don’t feel naturally confident, imagine yourself as someone who knows how to do the thing you want to do. Keep that picture in your head. And there you have it, you are doing it.
44. You are always more loved than you can fathom.
Do you have any to add? Write them in the comments. 😊
xo
Rae
Happy Birthday!